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Write...Edit...Publish -Blogfest- Haunted

This excerpt is from the sequel of One Bite Leads To Another. Eve, my heroine gets pregnant and people are after the baby. They want Eve and her baby dead. The question remains...who are these people who want Eve dead?

Copyright ©2013 Kelly Steel

“Here you are, Mrs. DSilva.” the midwife came in behind her. “May I introduce this new nurse, her name is May and she is from Suva.”

Eve looked beyond her and saw the attractive lady who had been eyeing Zachary, follow her in.

“Hello May.” Eve put out her hand.
But May didn’t shake her hand. Eve felt odd that the young girl chose not to shake her hand. Instead she sort of bowed with her eyes downcast. Eve suddenly had to swipe her clammy palms on her skirt. Why would a young girl make her nervous? She chided herself.

Pregnancy hormones again?

“Oh, do call me Eve.” She invited both the midwives.

She busied herself with dinner. May helped set the table and Mrs. Smith helped her cook.

“Leo would fly in a cook and a house keeper tomorrow.” She said to no one in particular.

“Why not today?” Mrs Smith asked.

“We were in a hurry and the other ladies required advance notice to leave their families.”

Eve had the uncanny feeling that though May seemed busy, she was listening to their conversation with far more interest than she showed. Her body was tense and her head was tilted to one side. Eve wondered nearer to her, but she moved away. Was she avoiding being near to Eve?

After dinner they all sat around talking. Everyone was in a relaxed frame of mind. Eve went on to the lawn in front of the house. She started walking, May followed her.

Stopping to let May catch up with her Eve knelt down to tie her shoes. May walked up and they started walking together.

“Are there really no other houses on this island?” May asked.

“No, it’s a private island. It belongs to us.”

“Oh, how lovely to have an entire island to yourself.”

May looked back to where the house could be seen in the distance.  She took out her mobile and looked at it.

“What’s that?” Eve asked.

“Oh, just looking at some coordinates from the map app.”

“Let me see.” Eve said.

May held her mobile toward her. Taking the phone from May’s hand, Eve felt a prickling of her senses. And her baby was kicking furiously.

“Oh, what is this?” Eve pointed.

“The coordinates of a hidden cave nestled in the hillside.”

All of a sudden, Eve felt a strong kick from inside. She nearly doubled over.

“What’s wrong?” May asked.

“The baby…”

May put her hands around her and helped her toward the caves. Eve realized something was amiss. How well did they really know this young girl? Her eyes were glittering in the dark. Had they made a mistake? Could this girl be dangerous? Eve shook her head, but now she felt positive that something was quite wrong here. She looked back toward the house. They had wandered a fair way away from the glittering lights. Even if she shouted, no one would hear her. Hairs on the back of Eve’s neck stood straight up on end  and goose bumps covered her arms. Eve clenched her hands to try to control the trembling of her body.

 

Then all of a sudden May wrapped her strong arms around Eve’s throat and pulled her in the darker area inside the cave.

“What…what are you doing?” Eve croaked out. She barely managed to stand on her feet. As she looked directly in May’s eyes, her knees became wobbly and her head began to hurt. Instead of the eyes she had expected to see, Eve saw something she was forced to classify as pure evil. Watery images blurred her vision as the face of an ugly, wrinkled middle-aged woman with acne-scarred skin and sharp fang teeth took the place of the minutes before charming and beautiful girl.

“What do you think?” May’s voice snarled.

“But why? Who are you?” Eve managed in a hoarse voice.

“You all thought yourselves so clever.” May’s voice grated out. “But here I am! And I’m going to feed from your unborn baby so I can be the first and get all his powers,” she continued. “For he will be a very powerful baby. The most powerful ever born!”

 

Eve shuddered and her hands went protectively around her tummy. How did May manage to get here? Why did Zachary or Leo didn’t pick on the fact that she was not who she said she was? Questions tumbled through her mind. She drew in a slow, deep breath. Sharp blades of pain clawed through her head, inducing dizziness to weave a path of destruction through her body. She had to fight this dizziness. She can’t let it in. Letting go would mean she would not be able to save her baby. She realized that Leo would probably think that she would be safe with May as her chaperone on this deserted island.

Eve shivered as she saw May’s eyes glittered with a demonic glint and her fangs descended. Her heartbeat pounded against her ribcage. Peering through the darkness inside the cave, she could see the moonlight shed a pale glow on the beach. Would anyone find her in time?

 Word Count 850
Critique and Comments welcomed. Please be gentle!

Write...Edit...Publish is Denise Covey's brainchild. I'm so happy to be a part of this blog fest. Thanks Denise for this awesome opportunity.


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66 comments:

  1. Leaves you wondering how she's going to get out of that mess!

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  2. Great use of suspense, I hope someone found her in time!

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  3. Aw, I love that little 'please be gentle' at the end. Well, let's see Miss Kelly Steel, having a young girl transform into a menacing crone is rife with possibility. That in itself took me by surprise. I guess as a reader, I find myself hoping that Eve will not succumb to destruction at May's hand. Not sure where you take the sorry from here but there's one bit of feedback to play with! :)

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  4. Poor Eve! She should've trusted her feelings and stayed far away from May.

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  5. Never trust someone with glittering eyes. Haunting tale!

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  6. Eve's in terrible trouble. As if pregnancy isn't scary enough first time round! Great cliff hanger ending!

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  7. I recognize this! ;) It's one of my favorite parts from what I've read so far. I'm glad you picked it! And I can't wait to read more. ;)

    Oh, and I love the cover for "One Bite for the Unborn"! It's beautiful and mysterious.

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    1. Thanks for all the feedback you provided this story Chrys! Your comments were worth its weight in gold to me.

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  8. Yikes! Poor Eve - I hope she can hold off May!!

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    1. Lol! Jemi! You can hold a woman, but you can't hold a mother fighting for her baby's life!

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  9. Gripping! I like the implied communication between Eve and her unborn child.

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    1. Thanks for feedback The Armchair Squid!

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  10. Hello Kelly! Thanks for being brave enough to post for the second time! No need to be scared, is there? Like Armchair, I loved the way the baby quickened in response to Eve's stimulus. Great touch. I've feeling for both Eve and the baby. Great that you remind us of the unborn child so we don't just get carried away with Eve's drama and forget the child. The transformation of the supposed helper into pure evil was unsettling. I hope Leo feels Eve's terror and comes running, just in time to save both Eve and the unborn child!

    My main feedback would be to make the story more direct. No: 'They had wandered a fair way away from the glittering lights.' Describe how far - what is a 'fair way'? And what were the obstacles along the way? Would make the story tighter I think. Just ignore me if you don't agree.

    Denise

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    1. Thank you so much Denise, for your feedback.

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  11. Oh my! Exciting tale! You caught my interest and held it. Nice job!

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  12. I was very nervous reading this- so great job! You kept me on the edge of my seat. Nice description!
    ~Jess

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  13. Terrifying to think you are safe, and have one of your protectors attack. Well done.

    .......dhole

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  14. That's spooky and suspenseful. A pregnant main character is a great way to keep the reader on pins and needles. I'm worried about the baby, based on this segment. Good work.

    xoRobyn

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    1. Hi Robyn! Thanks! I wish I could complete it faster and have the full story out there soon!

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  15. The peril is obvious here, the main character and her baby sympathetic, and the bad guy frightening. The baby certainly seems to have some sort of sense or knowledge due to its responses.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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  16. I like the way the baby reacts to the mother's alarm - trying to communicate from within the womb.

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    1. The baby is feeling the mum's panic, Sally!

      Thanks for coming along!

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  17. WOW suspenseful and dramatic. My attention was held. Will that be the cover Kelly? sends shuvers down My spine. Can't wait to read more

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  18. Love the way you ended that. It definitely leaves you wanting more.

    Can I offer a suggestion if that is your cover image? Just my personal preference but I'd make the font a darker color. It's hard to read the title in white. Your call though, of course. Like I said, just my personal preference. Love the image.

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    1. Thanks for the suggestion, Kelly! I wanted feedback on it which is why I posted the cover.

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  19. Great sense of time and place to this excerpt, and the evil influence erupting with fury sets the scene for a thrilling read.

    best
    F

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  20. The pacing of this story is fantastic. It starts off slow and then quickly mounts to a feeling of panic, exactly how Eve must be feeling!

    Jen

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    1. Thanks Jen! I'm learning from all your comments here!

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  21. Good job! This story definitely held my interest all the way through! I thought it was really interesting how the baby kicked, as if he knew his mother was in danger.

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  22. Oh no, poor baby. I hope she is rescued but it doesn't seem likely. It''s hard to build tension with so few words but I do think that you achieved that.
    Nancy

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    1. Chilling - the thought of someone, anyone, putting an unborn child in danger. (And biting it - gross!) ;-)

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    2. Power hungry people would do it, though! Thanks Li!

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  23. Thank you very much for commenting on my cover reveal. Your excerpt was entertaining. Here's a few notes as a critique: Watch for word repeats (like "hands" and "looked/looking"), filters (like "felt/feeling" and "realized"), and unnecessary words (like "down" in knelt down -- can't be knelt up, can it?). Happy Halloween!

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    1. Thanks so much Lexa, and I went back and saw the 'knelt down' bit!

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  24. Is this a continuing story? I hope so, I have to know what happens. That baby will be safe! I demand it! LOL

    Happy Halloween! Great entry!

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    1. Hi Yolanda!

      Yes, it is a sequel to my debut novella One Bite Leads To Another. Thanks for coming along!

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  25. Uh oh! Very tense scene, Kelly! Nice job!

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  26. Dear Kelly,

    Nice to meet you!
    Oh my! Unusual to have you main character expecting a baby. That is a tough enough situation, but to put it in a thriller. Double-tense!

    Best wishes,
    Anna

    http://annas-adornments.blogspot.se/2013/10/weps-blogfest-for-wednesday-30-october.html


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  27. Yikes, this was scary! I'd definitely want to know what happened next.

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    1. Hi Trish!

      Thanks for coming by! I do hope you enjoy the full story someday :)

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  28. This was very suspenseful and scary, and it held my interest for many reasons. Well done!
    I love the covers!

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  29. Hello,
    The baby makes the panic and fear very close, slow start and then sudden spiral into the fear, well crafted. Definitely leaves the reader wanting more..

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    1. Hi Nilanjana,


      Thanks for coming by and for the feedback!

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  30. Yikes! That was intense. Kind of sad I didn't get here before Halloween, but a good freaky story is welcome any time of the year. =)

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